I truthfully don't know how to update from this point forward...

It has been almost two months since Paula's surgery and I am not going to lie, we almost lost her twice, and she is not completely out of the woods yet. I cannot go into details but she needs to be blanketed in prayer as does her family.

Every time that I have come to update, when I look at this screen all I see is a dark blob of color emotion. There is so much going on that I really don't know how to even begin to put it down on the screen or even in my paper journal.

All I can do is cry, scream, yell and think...my mind is constantly thinking of things...things that I don't want it to. Things that I have never questioned before. Things that I have always left to God before. But now I am not numb from drugs so I see things in a different light, and I think I am questioning things from a different perspective...and after things happened...well, you tend to see things differently too.

I always saw the gift of Empathy as a weakness and never really embraced it fully, but this past year I have come to know "her", and I do call it a "her" because it almost feels like a separate self, and she is very strong with those that I am close to and love. When I can draw and help it is good, when I feel the pain and suffering it scares me, because I sometimes am not able to put my shields up fast enough and the other person is able to feel my pain, and I would never wish that on anybody. This happened to Paula when she was in the hospital and I am still trying to figure out and hoping that I didn't in any way hurt her and make things worse than they already got. This has been so heavy on my heart and it has just been weighing there. I have been praying and praying asking for a sign....but I don't see or hear anything....I'm not sure.

I don't know what I expect, but I just don't want to find out that I hurt one of the people that I love most in the world, when I was only trying to help.


Not to long before all this I was to start the Drug Trial, I was accepted, but so many things have changed...one of the main things....my Primary Care Physician, Dr. Stahl, fired ME, last week after 13 years. His exact words were..."you have had enough dispensations from the pope" whatever that means...I filed a complaint with our medical insurance company and changed our WHOLE FAMILY to a new DR!!!! and I met him yesterday. I feet bad to have to go to him and lay everything on him...but where do you start with a new guy???

He seems very nice, very ORGANIZED, with REAL nurses working for him and REAL office staff. He also, right away, told me how to fix the problem with all the referrals that I have so that I can see all my specialists. It was very easy to do and not that hard, took me all of about 10 minutes on the phone. There are a few bumps to still work out but otherwise much easier for the most part.

The worst news by far is no pain meds...at all....this is a decision that Gary and I made....me grudgingly....but I am sticking to it...not that I have much choice...its for the sake of my family right now. I am off of EVERYTHING....methadone, morphine, percocet, vicodin, Valium 10's & 5's, tessalon for now (no cough), not taking the inderal ( rather shake than mess with my heart ), Flexeril still taking, but only at night - not taking ANY during the day, and ONLY taking 1 Soma at night, have to take the Neurontin, but have cut back to the 900mg again from the 1800mg, and then of course my Ven & Avella in it's insane amounts of $700 a night. Can we say thank you for private grants!!! But again there are still no pain meds. I take a full gram of Motrin as a blood thinner which does act as somewhat of a pain aide, but not really because it causes its own pain as it is eating its way through my stomach slowly...but we have no choice really as I have reactions to other thinners.

I have tried in the past to not be negative. I have never before questioned my place, but this past year I have been in a place that I would never want anyone to be and I don't know how to get out of it.

I am hoping that by going back to my friends at my internet board GCM, that maybe they can lead me out of my darkness that is consuming me. I cannot seem to find my way out on my own. God knows, as I pray to Him all the time that I am trying....but I still cannot find the way.

I have lost the way and need help....