I read other people's blog then I come back to mine....

And I often wonder why anyone reads mine. I know I write in it solely for my own release. But I do see the footprints and the email comments that people do read it. I wonder if it is like waiting for a train wreck waiting to happen or something weird like that? I read my own sister's blog and with everything she is going through she can still find optimistic things. I just see black ahead right now. I just feel dread. My last appointment with Dr. Kessel last week started my downward spiral this time and I started the screw-up on my own fault. I showed up to the appointment a day EARLY!!! Since I have pretty much quit working, I have gone down from the huge calendars on the desk, to the 8 1/2 x 11 planner to the smaller version of the day planner, the little bigger than 5x7, now I'm even smaller to one that can fit into whatever purse I am using at the time. Everything is written down in it, and I still managed to screw that appointment up. I sat there for over 2 hours. These nurses don't realize how much anxiety it is for me to "go into town" especially by myself. There was no way I was going to "just" turn around and come back tomorrow. I sat there and waited until all his other patients were seen and then he saw me. Blood counts came back that I am almost neutropenic again, does this surprise me? No, not at all. After all, I did just get done watching the kids all by myself for 2 weeks without Gary taking a single day off, we have never done this before EVER, and I am also still shutting down a business that was supposed to have been shut down by DECEMBER 31, 2007....it is now almost APRIL 15th....I still haven't filed taxes for last year let alone this year and Gary is hounding me on that again. When he asked what he can do to help, I look around my office and I just shrug my shoulders and tell him go...its easier if he just leaves, it would take me longer to explain anything to him than do it myself. I have finally got all the paperwork sorted out by years, 2006, 2007 and finally 2008. If I can only get it all organized here in the next couple of days somehow all the while with having.... oh yeah didn't mention that yet.... STREP THROAT...... THANK YOU..... Pali View Preschool....took Evan to the Dr. yesterday and he tested positive REALLY fast and very dark. Dr. Stahl said he hadn't seen a test that dark or fast in a long time....Chey is there right now.... now her throat is sore....she just saw him yesterday for an allergic reaction she has had since Friday...but he said to bring or call if any of the kids throats got sore, but we couldn't tell with hers if it was the reaction or strep so Laura had to take her in. I had called earlier and asked when Ev could go back to school....am I a horrible mother....I can't stand the 2,000 questions non-stop?.....I was supposed to get blood transfusion and IVIG treatment yesterday but right with everybody sick that is put on hold since I won't go into the hospital again....not really that I won't... that would be a holiday at this point, but Gary is flying off island a great deal lately and is going to the mainland in 9 days for 3 days. Hospital AIN'T happening any time soon here!!! Laura just called.... Chey doesn't have STREP YAY!!! It's still part of her allergic reaction. I don't know if I have mentioned that Ethan is on Academic Probation and most likely will be held back in the 5th grade not because he is stupid or anything but because he is too smart....how is that for STUPID!!! and he will most likely be getting kicked out of St. Mark on top of it all. It has been made ABUNDANTLY clear to us....that he is not at THEIR "level" or that they cannot "meet" his "needs" as was stated in the letter that was sent home to us. We have less than 9 weeks to get his grade point average up from a 1.41 to a C range or he's out... and truthfully, I don't see that happening. Ethan & I went and saw his Psych on Wed and discussed all of this and he had no reaction whatsoever to it. I took in a videotape of our mornings so that Dr. Dunn could FINALLY understand some of our frustrations.....it was an eye opener for him for sure. His face was priceless. I don't think he EVER thought that Ethan could be anything other than what he is when he comes to his appointments. But we showed him what he's like unmedicated and it gave him a new understanding of what we deal with and the stress it brings not only to us but to Ethan also. He doesn't like himself when he is like this, but he struggles to take his medications. I have read book after book on how he will do this for the rest of his life. He is manic more than depressive and he does not like that part subdued in a sense, but in a sense also he understands that it needs to be for him to be on a normal functioning level. Just to do the normal things like getting dressed and brushing teeth, for an almost 11 year old....this should be able to be done alone, but he requires one or both of us to help him to get ready EVERY day. By the time he is dropped off at school I am ready to go back to bed. His teacher has called his class neutral territory, because one day I followed him all the way up there, and we were still at it, she told us to go outside. I wasn't even saying anything. It was then that I was realized, I was doing the same thing to him that my dad HAS always done to me...."the look" and that is even worse than words. My dad is still able to do it over the phone and still make me feel an inch tall. I pulled Ethan to me, apologized, hugged him, told him I loved him, and to have a good day and that we would work out our problem later a different way. Two seconds later, his "switch" (bipolar) had kicked in and he was fine, but remember, I am not bipolar so I go home and I am wiped....I know this post makes no sense to anybody but four people that read this faithfully. They are the ones that know how insane I am also. How my mind just jumps from one thing to another randomly, especially when I don't want to think about something or when I am scared. Which is what I am now. I pray for peace.....it's there I just have to accept it on His terms not mine. I going to end this now...its' getting darker as I think more and more and I just want numb right now, numb is good.