I have really been struggling this week....

The new song on my blog seems fitting for how I have been feeling lately....

CASTING CROWNS

East to West (Mark Hall, Bernie Herms)

Here I am Lord and I'm drowning
In Your sea of forgetfulness
The chains of yesterday surround me
I yearn for peace and rest
I don't want to end up where You found me
And it echoes in my mind
Keeps me awake tonight

I know You've cast my sin as far
As the East is from the West
And I stand before You now
As though I've never sinned
But today I feel like I'm just one mistake away
From You leaving me this way

Jesus, can You show me just how far the East is from the West?
Cause I can't bear to see the man I've been
Come rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
Cause You know just how far the East is from the West
From one scarred hand to the other

I start the day, the war begins
Endless reminding of my sin
Time and time again
Your truth is drowned out by the storm I'm in
Today I feel like I'm just one mistake away
From You leaving me this way

Jesus, can You show me just how far the East is from the West?
Cause I can't bear to see the man I've been
Come rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
Cause You know just how far the East is from the West
From one scarred hand to the other

I know You've washed me white
Turned my darkness into light
I need Your peace to get me through
To get me through this nightI can't live by what I feel
But by the truth Your word reveals
And I'm not holding onto You
But You're holding onto me
You're holding onto me

Jesus, You know just how far the East is from the West
I don't have to see the man I've been
Come rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest (mercy I find rest)
Cause You know just how far the East is from the West
From one scarred hand to the other

(Just how far, the East is from the West, Just how far)
From one scarred hand to the other
(You know just how far, the East is from the West, Just how far)
From one scarred hand to the other

I'm having a difficult time dealing with something that I cannot let go of from my past that was recently brought back up. I don't know HOW to deal with it now almost 13 years later. I have talked to both of my sisters and my best friend about it, I have talked extensively with Gary about it, which led me to baring my fears to him yet again about other things that aren't what ifs, but whens...Every Saturday morning either Gary or Laura sit with me and helps me get all my meds together for the coming week. We have found that is now easier than fumbling with it all the time with all the bottle and losing pills here and there. I am now having to do what I did for Gma. Gary went to go pick up my main chemo pills the other night, when he got home, he had picked up two scripts and asked why the co-pays were so high. I asked, "Why, how much where they?".... He said $100 something together....I told him...what you have in your hands right there is one box worth $23,000 and one bottle $1,800.....so, $100 something is NOTHING....be glad we have insurance....then he sat downn and looked at the insurance paper that comes with that shows the cash price versus the insurance co-pay price..... (guess who NORMALLY goes to drug store?)....

So, anyway, back to how I have been feeling....I sit here making my medcine jars... they are rainbow colors and screw together. I have a small one for day and a larger one for night. I just sat there yesterday morning as I was filling them up crying. All I could think of was that these pills keep me alive and that I had been left for dead until Gary came along. There it is said and it is out and in the open. Maybe some of the hurt and pain I have felt and harbored for years will start to heal. Not only was I in a bad relationship, but my parents left Hawaii and didn't even look back....my younget sister left, my brother left......It was only me.......yesterday March 29, 2008 made 19 years that I have lived in Hawaii. I can officially say that I have lived in Hawaii for the majority of my life, longer than anybody else in my blood life, this is HOME. This is where I will die, this is where I want my children to always live and have their children. But of course I will really have no say in that if they choose a different course for their lives.

Sorry this is so morbid, time just seems to be going by so fast and I seem to be slowing down. I feel like time is running out. Nobody is listening to me on that. I am taking it one day at a time, but I know my body....something is not right and it is telling me something big is coming........

PRAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!