I am changing my song on my blog....

This is a song that a wonderful inspirational lady from my cancer group shared with me. Janet is such an uplifting lady, she is like a ray of sunshine when I don't want to smile on certain days.....

Josh Groban - Don't Give Up (You Are Loved)

Don't give up
It's just the weight of the world
When your heart's

heavy
I will lift it for you
Don't give up
Because you want to be
heard
If silence keeps you
I will break it for you

Everybody
wants to be understood
Well, I can hear you

Everybody wants to
be loved
Don't give up

Because you are loved

Don't
give up
Its's just the hurt that you hide
When you're lost
inside
I'll be there to find you

Don't give up
Because you
want to burn bright
If darkness blinds you
I will shine to guide
you

Everybody wants to be understood
Well, I can hear
you

Everybody wants to be loved
Don't give
up

Because..you are loved...

Had to keep thinking of this today, as I felt I had been kicked down and trodden on over and over. Ethan had his neurology appointment today that we waited 6 months for!!!, for what I don't know, it was a total waste of time. Everything that Dr. Alex has found, this Dr. BLEW OFF COMPLETELY. Everything that Dr. Peg thpught might be an issue, he also blew off. We are back at square one, other than he wanted to have Ethan do an MRI.... I had told Gary before we even went in... Oh yeah, Gary ACTUALLY went with ME to an appointment regarding something medical!!! that I did not want him to have either a CT scan or an MRI if there wasn't a necessary reason for it. There wasn't in this Dr's opinion, yet he was going to order one... NO WAY BUDDY... and on top of that WITHOUT SEDATION for ETHAN.... is he INSANE??? he OBVIOUSLY does not KNOW MY CHILD, as he CALMLY sat there and said, "Oh, he'll be fine."

I would have liked to have been in Ethan's mind at that point, cause I could see there sheer panic on his face. I said, "Why don't we ask, ETHAN, what HE thinks?"

This Dr. was appalled that I should actually consult my 9 yr old in his own care. Ethan, wasn't too happy about it, but said he would do it, we left with the papers and the nurse was scheduling it, but I was very upset. The Dr had looked at the X-rays we brought and said that there is nothing at all wrong with him when there are problems Dr. Alex is currently treating. I just said thankyou and we left. When we got in the car I let it all out on Gary. It wasn't fair to him, but why now after almost 9 years does he have a say in the medical care (when he has no idea what it is he is talking about) when I have been doing it???? NO!!! I called the nurse and cancelled the MRI.

Told Ethan how sorry I was that we even went to this appointment and that we would just keep going to Dr. Alex and keep doing the eyelights and his adjustments and see how that goes. The Depakote and Focalin XR seem to be working for now. We called Dr. Jacobs to see when our next appointment is, I cannot find the card anywhere. I think it is this coming Monday, but I don't remember the time. We will get his depakote levels back at that time from his last blood draw and see where we stand for that. He was so good today while we waited. It is so different from how he is off of meds. I cannot even begin to describe it to anybody unless you know us and you know what he is like on and off. Two totally different people, still trying to figure out if that is good or bad.

A little about the other two keiki's.....

Shayla is having night issues....

She is getting up a great deal with bad dreams. She is complaining of having to throw-up but then doesn't. She doesn't want to sleep by herself at all. And lately, the marine base has been doing night missions and the planes are so loud, she comes screaming out of her room when they fly over the house.

She is doing well in school except for reading. We are trying to work with her on that. She loves to draw and color. She is going to be very beautiful, but she is not confident in herself at all. I see her struggling for that and I don't know how to help her. This is when I so wish we had grandparents around. I really miss Gma lately.

Evan really must have wanted to be at school today which is a change, he pulled me to his class. He normally walks really slowly and this morning he was running. He was all full of hugs and kisses. I love to see him all happy. He is my ray of sunshine. He is always happy.... "Good morning Mommie" first thing when he wakes up. That is one of the great things about co-sleeping....I have my own sunshine in bed with me.

He is getting excited about going to Kaua'i for Christmas but of course doesn't quite understand it all yet.

Gary is going to be on vacation for several weeks soon, for a much needed work break. I am sitting here babbling because I am scared.....I leave in a few minutes to go for the repeat mammogram. The pain is getting worse in the left breast. I need prayers. I don't even know what to pray for at this point, but I just need a peace please. I just don't like feeling this unsettled. Okay, I am done rambling for now...oh no, I'm not....

trying to get the red out of my hair... hope to have my blonde back my tonight....wish me luck....